From a sibling: 5 years later

I volunteered to be newsletter editor for our local Compassionate Friends chapter. I thought it would be a good way to stay involved after having the baby, when the monthly meetings might not work out for a while. In preparing for the first newsletter, I was reviewing articles and entries from other chapters, looking for things to add to our newsletter and I found one from a sibling's perspective that I found meaningful. It is below. I realize it has also been about 5 years since my step-sister Chrystal died, and although it seems so different since we were both adults and had grown a bit distant I do find I think about her and her family a lot. 

My First Five Years as an Only Child

I've been without my brother for five years. I guess the hard part is over now. Sometimes 

I think I have aged 30 years in the past five. In a strange way, these past five years have been

the best and worst years of my life. I have accomplished the many things of a typical young adult learning 

to drive, graduating from high school, going to college, and starting a career.

Every one of my accomplishments has been clouded by the fact that my brother George is not

here to share each milestone, and is not achieving any more milestones for himself. He was

cheated of so many things. He will never graduate, get married, have children or travel. He will

never grow old, and I will never have a brother to grow old with. I'll never have nieces and

nephews. The sibling relationship, usually the longest relationship of one's life, has been cut

short for us. In these five years, although I have learned to accept that he is not coming back,

the difficult part is dealing with it day by day. 

My relationship with George ended just when we started to become friends. The childish

fights and other annoyances of having a big brother were changing to real conversations and to

having an occasional ally. I am angry about all the things that we have missed and all the things

that will never be, and I guess I always will be. Five years heals a lot of wounds, but the hurt will

always be there, no matter how many years pass. In these past five years, I have been forced to

grow up too fast. I have been forced into a new outlook on life. I have felt lonely and alone. I now 

realize that I will never be the same person as before. Maybe I am a better person because

of what I have been through. Five years ago I never thought I would survive, but I am still here

dealing with it every day. I don't know what the next five years will bring, but at least I have

made it this far.

Kristin Steiner

TCF Staten Island, NY

In Memory of my brother, George

holding hands in a dream

Last night I dreamed that Jaal, Lev and I were walking along a path with steps around a waterfront. We were avoiding crowds from a festival and taking a round about way to get where we were going. Jaal was around 7, and in the lead, then I was walking, slowly since I was pregnant, and Lev was behind. Lev was around 4 years old. I waited for him, and we continued down the stairs and through walkways holding hands.

I woke up with the feeling of holding hands with Lev and just tried to hold on to the feeling, since it made me happy. He was holding my left hand, and it literally warmed my heart to lay there, holding on to the feeling, while the baby kicked in my belly.

Then, as always my mind wandered, to the last time Lev held my hand. He clutched my right hand so hard I was bruised for days. It was the beginning of his seizures, before I understood what was happening. He held on, his last desperate grasp to the world he was leaving behind. I didn't understand it at the moment, but I let him grab my hand even though it hurt. I can feel the bruise today.

how dare they complain...

Today I was at work, with a focus group, and someone was complaining about teaching their sixteen year old to drive. 

I would give anything to teach Lev to drive. I was really looking forward to it. 

It was nice teaching Jaal. We would drive to school together every day, and then at the high school, we'd switch drivers and I'd go the remaining 4 blocks on my own. I always imagined starting with Lev. We talked about it. He didn't think he'd be a very responsible driver.

I am frequently amazed and frustrated at the things that upset people. Everything else seems so trivial. 

I just want Lev back. 

Blocks

As you go through life, you build one block upon another, to create the person that is yourself. Jaal and Lev are a part of who I am. With Lev gone I don't know who I am anymore. If I stay the same person, then I continue to stand on a block called Lev, and I will keep thinking that he is alive and present in this world. If I realize that block is gone, then I truly understand that Lev is dead, and I have to rebuild myself from the ground up. 

I struggle every day to find the right path.