A bad dream

Lev's death was so sudden, horrible, and extraordinary that my mind still thinks that the event is part of some nightmare. It hopes that what is happening now, my current reality, is just a bad dream and that I will wake up soon.

I suppose in a few years I will realize that this is not actually a dream, but my life. And that will be a very difficult thing to cope with.

I watched Lev die one morning. Every day I wake up and get the news again.

Quote of the day:

Things go wrong, the body is fragile, the ones you love can't help you. But if you don't kill yourself, or become a hopeless addict, or die in some other way, you go on, and more things happen. Eventually some of them are good things.

Looming sadness

I feel a large sadness looming over me today. Like a dam holding back the river, I imagine my defenses crumbling and mountains of sadness cascading over me. I don't know if the coming baby is bringing this on, but surely her birth is going to unleash a torrent of emotions. I am standing at the edge of an old life and the beginning of a new one.