I felt the need to send an update to our grief blog and also add it to the Liana in Monteverde blog, as our time here is really more than just a lot of extremely cute photos of Liana. So, here it is.
We are in Monteverde without Lev. It has been over a month now, and for me, the first month went smoothly but I feel the grief building like a constant low grade ache in my gut that sets me a bit on edge sometimes. (No, I don't have actual intestinal issues. It's not the water.)
We have been busy settling in, exploring a new location with Liana, reuniting with friends. We had a lovely week at the beach.
It has been great to be next door to Melinda and Jaal, and Liana has adapted well to being here.
Her first night she screamed about a moth, and now she will just say, "There's something in my house," to most bugs.
She loves rain and puddles, night time walks, dogs, cows, bugs, birds, mango, pineapple, and doing yoga.
Lev would have loved to watch her explore and develop and would definitely be glad we brought her here.
She keeps us busy and is usually full of joy and wonder, not leaving us the luxury of grieving freely.
Being somewhere that Lev loved is a nice place to be. We have many funny, loving family memories here. His friends and their parents remember him fondly and share memories that we had forgotten or not thought of for a while.
And, it's nice to show Liana things that Lev loved and share the wonder that he experienced in the natural world. Mostly, it is great to see Jaal and Liana enjoying one another.
Also, generally speaking, the Costa Rican culture deals well with loss. They seem to know what to say much more than people in the US did, or rather they just say something in a non-awkward way.
But it is also awful being somewhere that he loved without him. It is heart wrenching and heart warming at the same time, going to his memorial. We cleaned off the benches and have been waiting for a good sunny morning to paint. Melinda painted a little mural around his plaque to re-hang at the site. It was wonderful being there and awful at the same time. Milton wants to add a roof and even a bathroom nearby so that classes could camp there and hang out without needing to run back to school to pee. Lev would want them to just pee in the woods...
Sometimes I can hang out with our friends who are the parents of one of Lev's friends, and have a nice conversation about our kids, talk about what their child is doing now, share good memories, and it all seems so nice. Then, the thought tends to creep in that Lev isn't off at school; no matter how much I wish I could be like them, with my kids happily off doing their own thing, or struggling to find their way, or needing help with a paper to edit, or wasting their time with video games, that isn't a choice Lev has. He can't waste his time, he can't struggle with a teacher or enjoy college. It sinks in my stomach as if I ate a pile of rocks. The delusion ends and I am left with our reality.
I wake up with a bad dream only to realize that it wasn't a dream but a memory of calling one of his friends to tell them what happened. I doubt I'll ever have a bad dream that is as bad as my memories.
But really, I just miss Lev and wish he were here. Our location has changed, but our reality is the same... with the exception of more bugs, more beans. and Jaal nearby.
