"Nature always wears the colors of the spirit. To a man laboring under calamity, the heat of his own fire hath sadness in it. Then there is a kind of contempt of the landscape felt by him who has just lost by death a dear friend. The sky is less grand as it shuts down over less worth in the population."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Nature (1836)

triggers

The problem with associating certain songs with missing Lev is that if they get played in random locations, like a restaurant, I don't realize why I've all of a sudden started crying until I key into the background music.. and then with a baby sleeping on your lap you just need to sit there and wipe your eyes. 

--- damn that Iron and Wine song... (it's on the blog earlier)

I have been meaning to write about a few things, but instead I blog in my head. 

I'll write down future topics to get it off my brain. Maybe that will help we not to dwell:

Looking for signs - the heart string 

Preserving good, new memories - floating

Answering the damn, "Is this your first child?" question

Fear of Liana's death - the rash

When Liana gets sick

Looking for Lev in Liana

Lev's friends getting older, being seniors

Looking happy, being sad

Explaining Lev to Liana

Embracing Happiness, keeping busy

Recognize the grief instead of being swallowed by it

Searching for reasons to live

Circling back to anger, frustration, guilt, fear and pining

Brain malfunction, too busy processing 

Going on living everyone's nightmare

This is life 2.0