Yesterday was my birthday. Today is Chrystal's birthday, so I awoke with a heavy heart for her and her family. Chrystal is my step-sister, who died suddenly a few years ago. I feel her loss more since losing Lev, and understand the saying about loss being cumulative. The more you have, the worse it is. It's not like you build up some sort of sick tolerance, you can just learn to shut down emotionally, like in areas of war.
I thought a lot about my birthday last year, which was my fortieth. We had a big party and combined it with Jaal's graduation. It was super fun. I can look back on it and clearly remember when we were happy people. Tony's band played, Jaal and his friends played music, too, a Journey song. Tony played a song he had written for me, it was a nice time. It was on our newly built back patio, which was sure to be a place with future fun gatherings. It ended up being a place of much needed peace and solitude last summer.
At the party, Adam started singing a song to Jaal, called Jaal and me, just a funny little ditty. Then he switched to "Lev and I", and we waited for Lev to peak his head out of the window of his room again and yell down at us. Later that summer I spent a lot of time staring at the window, wanting Lev to look out it again.
Toward the end of the party Lev was upstairs with Roz, a family friend since they were babies. We found out later that the two of them snuck up some rum and were hanging out under blankets in his loft, drinking and talking. He thought the party was cool.
This birthday was a sad one. The night before, Tony and I went to grief group and then went out to dinner at the same place we had gone on my fortieth with the kids. Lev had dressed up in a suit and hat, which was his thing that spring. It is a happy memory, but they are all bittersweet now. I can appreciate a bittersweet memory, like a bittersweet chocolate.
So, I didn't really want to do anything for my birthday. At school it was our student of the month luncheon with the principal, so I had pizza, cake and ice cream wth lots of kids, with tons on hugs and well wishes. That was enough for me to smile and hold it together for. I do appreciate that the kids are so nice and that they appreciate me and are sad to know we will be moving. But, I was feeling pretty down anyway.
Tony and I planned to go camping this weekend at Deception Pass. We used to always go to Baker Lake, Panorama Point campsite four or five with Craig, Sarah, and
Grady. Lev and Grady were good friends, and last year it was really cold and rainy but they spend the whole time kayaking out to this small island off our campsite where they built up their own little world. It was always a great weekend, and we all enjoyed ourselves. Now
Grady doesn't even like to see us, as it makes the loss of a friend pretty real.
This year, I thought it would be good for Tony and I to just get away, as it has helped us be a little more at peace. We have this little trailer now, that we can pull with our car. We may never unpack our tent again. I think it's still crammed in the bag as it was quickly that morning so Tony could follow the ambulance. My aunt is going to come by with some kayaks on Sunday, and another friend is coming for a hike on Saturday.
So, we arrived at our campsite around seven, a sad birthday, but glad to be in a nice place with Tony and Snowy. It was supposed to be rainy, but was a clear, beautiful evening.
A few minutes a car pulled into our site, looking like they were trying to turn around in our campsite. I went over to see what their problem was and... it was Jaal!
And then another car appeared behind his, and it was our neighbors, Don and Cherie. Tony had managed to pull off a surprise! Jaal had come home earlier in the day and made a lasagna, but cooked it at someone else's house so I wouldn't smell it. They left no trace in the kitchen. Jaal had baked a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting in Olympia before coming up, and our neighbors brought salad. So we had a great meal and then hung out by the campfire. Then there were gifts, too. Cherie made me a little hair band thingy out of wool, Jaal painted a picture (probably the first time he painted in then years) of Lev on a dock at a lake in Jasper. It was July 7th, and we have a great picture from that moment that he was recreating. It was a nice moment, and Lev loved swimming in cold water. He and Tony went for a swim across the lake, as Jaal and I walked around with Snowy. Then I jumped in, too. I now wonder if his immune system was weak at that point and the cold water was bad for him, but he seemed happy and healthy and we had no way of knowing a bacteria was trying to invade his brain. Another bittersweet memory, I suppose I am full of them.
Tony also gave me a tenor ukelele. I have started learning to play, and it makes me feel a little closer to Lev, although I'm not very musical. Lev loved the ukelele. It was a fun and easy instrument. He loved to travel with it. I remember his playing it, with a straw hat on, on a ferry in Costa Rica on the way to Montezuma last time we visited. So I will learn to play. Lev had his own little black ukelele, but we cremated him with it. That image is crystal clear in my mind, as if it were yesterday, and I suppose it will always be that clear. Most nice memories are matched with their heart wrenching counterpart.
Don and Tony also gave me a book. They made a book together, quite a surprise. It was based on a dream I had about two dogs in castles being separated and then reunited. Tony remembered it better than I did, actually, and the book was of course dedicated to Lev. Tony made it into a children's story and Don illustrated it. It's heart warming, or wrenching perhaps, and about thirty pages. It made me cry, as did Jaal's painting.
So, while I was thinking of pretty much ignoring my birthday, Tony, Jaal, Don, and Cherie made it pretty special. I like it when we can celebrate while fully acknowledging Lev's absence and the hole in our hearts.
Rebecca
