I am just pushing through the end of the school year, kind of waiting to have more time to just be with the sadness when school is out. We will be packing up the house to rent it and move. That, combined with the anniversary of his death and his birthday will not make it any easy month, but I'm not sure it will really be worse. Can it be much worse? Tony doesn't think so, but I think it might.
People ask if "it" is getting better, and the answer is no, but I stopped expecting time to change things. All the parents I have spoken to who have had children die say that the second year is worse. It just gets more real, the veil of denial that keeps you going has finally disintegrated, yet the world around you keeps moving and expects you to be "better".
Jaal is home for the summer, which is great. He is real and beings joy, mess, and yummy food.
Grapes
I was thinking of journaling about grapes. We bought some yesterday for Jaal, but I ate some this morning. We hadn't bought them since last summer. Lev loved grapes, and pretty much all fruit, but I have many memories of his begging for expensive, organic grapes at the store, and I always gave in. He would wash and leave them easily accessible in the fridge so he could just reach in and grab a few.
This morning, there they were, in the fridge, but no Lev to grab a few.
Rebecca
