five months today

December 9, 2010
Thursday

It has been five months today since Lev died.

I remember thinking that it would be different in three months, maybe four, or five.

It still feels like yesterday, the morning he died.

Joyless and sad, we watch time pass in a fog.

Rebecca

I got a migraine and left work early.
I skipped a meeting at the high school.
We went to grief group.
We made a plate of dinner for Lev.
We talked to Zay.
It keeps raining.

Holidays

I thought the holidays wouldn't be that hard. It seems like everything is hard anyway, so I didn't think it would make a difference.

Nonetheless, I am finding it quite difficult even while trying to avoid it.
Every day it is hard to get up. Life just keeps going on without him.

All these kids are excited about getting gifts. People plan gatherings with family. Kids get older, and bigger, and need new clothes.

Consumerism
Cookies
Latkas with homemade applesauce
Joy
Excited people

I feel so sorry for Lev.
He is missing out on so much.

Jaal comes home next week, but Lev won't be coming home.

I just want him back.
That is all I want for the holidays.

Rebecca

Crows

I have a new affinity for crows. The day after Lev died, we had to drive back past the campground we stayed at. We decided to go back to our site, to think about Lev and to leave a little rock pile in tribute. When we got there, someone had left some food on the picnic table, and a crow was sitting there pecking at it. We were both struck by the scene, and felt that in some way perhaps the crow had Lev's spirit in him, and was there to say goodbye to us.

It would be fitting if Lev's animal familiar was the crow. He was clever like a crow, and certainly liked to cackle in delight, especially at another's mild misfortunes.

I have since been on the lookout for crows. Sometimes one perches quite close to me, being oddly comfortable in my presence. I imagine that the crow is Lev coming to say hello and be with me for a while, and this gives me some comfort.

Today we were hiking through the woods with our dog, and a crow perched right near us. The dog tried to pounce on it, but the crow just moved up a few branches to avoid her, but did not fly away. It remained near us, patiently watching us. I stared at the crow for a long while. Finally the other members of its flock left, and it felt compelled to follow them. As it flew away I was overwhelmed with sadness, I felt so abandoned and alone.

I miss Lev terribly. I am glad the crows can give me some relief from that.