Mango Inspired Guilt

As we pack, I feel more and more guilty.
I am overwhelmed with a deep guilt for leaving him behind.

I am trying to recognize, accept the emotion fully and then let it "flow down the river".

I feel guilty of not being able to help him, as he reached out to me, in seizure in the tent, grabbing my thumb, not conscious. There was nothing I could do; I was helpless.

I feel guilty that I did not know he had some sort of weakness or maybe it was just really bad luck. I could not help him recognize that they were his final breaths and say goodbye. I did not know.

I was overwhelmed by guilt and brought to tears this morning by eating a bit of ripe mango. It was so perfect and delicious, and Lev will never get to eat it.

How can I enjoy mango when he cannot?

I have spent the last year waiting, waiting for him to return and come back down the stairs. If I wish it hard enough, if we leave everything just how it was, maybe he can step back in. I so want him to.

But now we pack and I feel that I have given up on him. I need to stop waiting and wishing but this wrong and right at the same time.

I feel guilty for giving away his shoes. Shoes, they are one of the hardest things for me. If we give away his shoes, I need to accept that he will not return to wear them.

How can we go on, just like other people: eating, walking the dog, growing fat, whatever it is, we do it without Lev.

Why do we deserve a future and he did not?

I eat, I feel guilty. I read a book, I feel guilty. I walk the dog, I feel guilty. I plunge the toilet and recall fond memories of Lev clogging the toilet with his poo and I wish it were his poo.I miss his poo clogging the toilet.

I keep apologizing to Lev,telling him I am sorry we are packing his stuff, deciding what is of value and what is not.

-Please don't tell me I shouldn't feel guilty. I do, and it is one of many emotions I feel along with sadness and despair. I accept it and continue on until I can add "at peace" or "acceptance" to my emotions.

Leaving forever

People keep saying they cannot imagine how we feel. Well, imagine you
are walking away, leaving your kid behind. They are yelling and
pleading for you to come back. You cannot turn around. You will never
see them again. You hear the echoes of their cries as you get further
and further away. It tears you up, but there is nothing you can do.
And they keep getting further away, until you cannot hear them
anymore. That is one aspect of grief, of missing your child so much,
and time moving forward no matter how much you want to stop it.

Emotional Governor

Jaal recently told me that if you rev a modern engine too high, a
"governor" kicks in and stops you from revving the engine even higher,
so you won't destroy it. I was looking at a beautiful waterfall
yesterday, amazed how it wrapped under the bridge we stood on, when I
felt my elation tempered by the always-present fact that Lev was not
here to see it. Emotional governance. It puts a cap on all joy.

Phantom Love

I wish I could explain to all of you what it feels like to have Lev so
alive in my head, but not here in the world. It is like losing a leg.
They say amputees feel phantom pain. I feel phantom love. And it hurts
just as much.

Packing

It's before noon, but I'm sure I found the hardest thing of the day

A braided lock of Lev's hair

The depth of missing

As the months pass, I miss Lev more and more. So painful, so infuriatingly frustrating to never have him back.

When you feel sad, you cry. When you feel angry, you yell. When you miss someone...nothing to do but be consumed by the deep, vast yearning.

As time goes by, and the pain of missing Lev gets more intense, it might be harder and harder to feel these feelings without getting completely lost in them and going mad. So my mind would stop going there, and others would perceive this as "healing" or "moving on". This is like closing the door of a room that is on fire and declaring that the problem is solved.