Enjoy

I was walking down a path feeling sad, not looking where I was going. I looked up and was looking straight at this:

just emotions

time passes
sadness
our old life has ended
we think of a new beginning

dreaded future
hollow
how to fill the void
an insolvable problem awaits

desiring closeness
aching
it is not enough
that which made us stronger weakens us

life's unfairness
bitter
he deserved much more
acceptance is not an option yet

escape
distraction
the mind shuts down
too much to understand, it is rejected

Rebecca

Going through life without him

Last night, after watching a movie, Rebecca said "I don't want to go to work tomorrow". I broke down and cried, because I knew exactly what she meant: going through life without him seems so impossibly sad and hard. The idea of leaving him behind as we move forward is almost more than I can bear sometimes.

Today at the table, eating lunch, I was struck so hard that I yelled "no!" out loud: that I will never talk to Lev again, that we will never hang out again, that I will never see him again. The idea of "never" is a hard one to swallow, but every once in a while my brain suddenly gets it and it overwhelms me. In fact it is almost too much and I find myself shutting down the thought quickly, whether I want to or not. Perhaps my brain can only handle true understanding for a short amount of time without frying out.

I miss him more and more as the days go on. Knowing that he is never coming back, that there is nothing we can do to change this...I am running out of words to express the depth of sadness and frustration.