message from the middle of the night

3:30 in the mourning

pillow glistening with dew
how I miss and yearn for you

in the night I shed a tear
you won't return, that I fear

bed shaking with the sobs
of the life that hope did rob

how I wish that you were here
in my heart I hold you dear

Traveling

December 22, 2010
Wednesday

It is hard to travel without Lev.
I feel as though I have been a fog since the summer. Life goes on, but only a part of me is in it. Part of my brain is dedicated to coming to terms with the facts of Lev's death, and so it leaves me partially numb .

I got on a plane and arrived in Spain. Weird. Here we are. It is interesting.
It seems as though certain emotions are not available to me.
Excitement, joy don't happen. But fleeting happiness, Humor, love, compassion- those are all there still.

When I hear about bad things happening to others, unless it is death of a loved one, it seems unimportant and I am emotionally detached.

I am not letting myself fully feel life, to avoid the depths on my emotions, I think. It is easier for me to feel bad for Jaal or Zay or Lev himself that to feel sorrow for my own loss. My own loss is too large to comprehend, similar to Lev's loss. The loss of opportunity and future.

He would have loved hot chocolate and. chorros in Barcelona.

It is hard to build new memories without Lev. I want him to be a part of it all, to learn and grow.

But it is good to share with Jaal and Zay and it will be good to see friends that we haven't seen for a while.

Rebecca