I often say to Rebecca "I can't believe it". The problem is that people say that all the time, about all kinds of silly things. But I mean it literally: I am unable to believe it, unable to believe that Lev is gone. His existence felt like the natural order of things: unalterable, dependable. If I woke up and clocks spun backwards, I would know I was still dreaming, because that is not how the world is. That is how I feel about Lev: since he is not here, this must not be the world I know. It is as if gravity failed and I just had to accept that as the new reality.
But the truth is that this world without Lev is not the real world to me, or at least not a good one. It is a new, nightmarish thing, and whether I am sleeping or awake does not matter. I miss the old world so much, a place where my family was all together, where the house was full of childish energy, where happiness was always right there with you.
January 21, 2011
January 17, 2011
birthday
Tony's birthday was this weekend. We got together with lots of different friends over the weekend, which was nice, and Tony had two gigs. Jaal came to see us and got to play with Tony's band.
But, celebrating without Lev is definitely not a celebration.
It is just a stark reminder that a member of our family is missing.
Today I had an appointment in Bellingham and we stopped by the park (Cornwall) where Lev went boffing (foam wars) every weekend. I had a really good cry, and we walked around, remembering all the good memories there. He loved going, dressing in a ripped sweatshirt, running around hitting people not in his clan with his foam sword. He really had a great life, but somehow that knowledge doesn't help me much. I just want more. Life feels so empty without him, and he deserved so much more.
But, celebrating without Lev is definitely not a celebration.
It is just a stark reminder that a member of our family is missing.
Today I had an appointment in Bellingham and we stopped by the park (Cornwall) where Lev went boffing (foam wars) every weekend. I had a really good cry, and we walked around, remembering all the good memories there. He loved going, dressing in a ripped sweatshirt, running around hitting people not in his clan with his foam sword. He really had a great life, but somehow that knowledge doesn't help me much. I just want more. Life feels so empty without him, and he deserved so much more.
Every night I wish I would dream of Lev, but I have not for a while.
Rubbing Jaal''s head is the closest I can get to Lev. I love his hair.
Perhaps I am losing my mind.
Or maybe Tony is.
Tony still thinks there is a small percentage chance that we are in a nightmare and maybe we will wake up and everything will be okay.
Maybe he is right, but unfortunately I don't think so.
Rebecca
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