Laughter and sorrow

Sometimes after I laugh, I feel sad and sorry, because Lev will never get to laugh again, and I will never hear him laugh again. That is what life is like when you live with the death of your son. Very few people understand how pervasive and permanent grief is.

Two Year Anniversary Gathering

Well, we survived the two year anniversary. We are still here,making a new life for ourselves with a baby and a son who already graduated from college. We had friends over yesterday, and three of Lev's friends came, too (Melissa, Tanner, and David). It was mostly people hanging out, with more talking about Lev than usual, which was nice. Then we held hands in a circle with a moment of silence. We passed around some photo albums, each lit a candle, and then shared some stories. We also shared things we would like to tell Liana. Don shared how articulate Lev was when standing up for what he believed in and gave the example of the anti-flouride speech that Lev gave to the county commissioners. Cindy shared how self confident Lev was and how well he related to adults even in sixth grade. Melissa shared how much Lev liked to debate and told a story about an argument they had about whether cell phones caused cancer. He refused to listen to her arguments, stating they were all industry propaganda. Tanner shared a story from welding. The seniors in the class were really annoying and so they played a trick on them. They tured down the arc welder so the seniors thought it was broken. The seniors asked the teacher for help and he told them to try gain. Meanwhile, Lev and Tanner turned the welder all the way up and when they tried it again they got a huge, frightening spark. Lev was somewhat mischievous and liked to make a boring situation fun. I miss how happy he could be. He was also moody and rude sometimes, but it was pretty easy to make him happy and he would get sooo happy. This morning I had a grief hangover, the emotions of yesterday having built up until I had time alone to decompress. Lia was being good, sleeping in my arms and nursing and letting me be with Lev's things and my thoughts.

A baby cries for Lev

My new daughter Liana is 7 weeks old. Like any baby she does a decent amount of crying. Rebecca read that a baby is often more fussy in their first year if their mother was depressed during pregnancy. So when Liana cries, I imagine that she is grieving for her lost brother. I almost envy her, as she is crying in a way I cannot, with single-minded focus and utter abandon.