A Reason Why

I would like to write an update that would be meaningful, yet let people know how we are doing. The journal entries I have written so far end up being too personal and upsetting. Yet, how can I write about Lev's being gone without it being personal and upsetting.

Everyone wants to know how we are doing, yet I do not know myself. We are doing terribly. I am amazed at every day that somehow life goes on, somehow we continue.

It will be seven weeks this Friday, still no autopsy, still no reason why. I am hoping that somehow the autopsy will come with a reason why, with an explanation that makes sense and enables us to fix him and bring him back. Without that, it is useless. I still hope. I still wait for his return. I'm not sure how I would go on if I didn't have a little bit of hope that there has been some terrible mistake, that I am dreaming, or on some alternate life course. I am waiting to enter the other, correct path instead of this one where healthy kids wake up dying.

So, we go on. We eat, sleep, clean the house, walk the dog. I have started going back to work part time and it really helps me to have something else to focus on. Something clear cut, meaningful. Something that goes as expected. Tony's having more trouble getting in to work, being at home and needing to focus.

Jaal is very sad, of course, yet manages to take breaks from his grieving and have fun with friends: go to movies, kayaking, swimming. I am so glad that he is still able to enjoy life, and he is looking forward to Evergreen.

Tony and I like to walk. Preferably with Jaal. Sometimes I could just keep walking, and walking, and walking.

Our moods go up and down, but never far up. Often far down.

But a lot of the time is spent just going through the motions being really sad. I think you just go through the steps of life until those steps become your life again. Sometimes we seem okay, but it is quite superficial. One little peek inside, and it's a pretty dark place.

I miss him, and want him back so badly. It's so frustrating. I miss him so much, and I feel so badly that I couldn't help him.

So far it has not gotten better with time, but I know it is too early. I am more able to do other things, like some work, but then the grief comes up and grabs you to bring you back to that place that is more comfortable for the moment.

We are strong for Jaal. He needs us to be, so we are.

That's about it, I suppose.

Going insane

I can imagine going insane, creating a world where Lev is alive. The thought of me talking to him, while to others I just appeared to be talking to myself, is one of the saddest things I could imagine.

The crows are going crazy today. I see the crow spirit in Lev, and I see Lev in each crow. This gives me some comfort. When we went back to the campsite where Lev spent his last hours on earth, a crow was there eating some food the campers had left on the table. We saw Lev in that crow, cackling at us.

Yearning

The yearning for Lev continues unabated, and strengthens. I awaken, after struggling through a dream of water puzzles, to wonder what I am trying to solve and why. There is no Lev at the end. That thought chills me and jolts me. I have to get up and once again journal my feelings, a weak outlet but the only one that avails itself at 5am. For the first time since Lev died I feel a strong urge to play the piano; that seems like a good sign. But not while the family sleeps...

As I massage Rebecca yesterday, I realize that I will never get a shoulder massage from Lev again, which was one of my favorite things. He once negotiated a deal where I would do his dish load while he massaged my shoulders the whole time. We were both pleased with the deal. He was actually pondering whether a career in physical therapy would be good for him. I was fond of the idea, since he liked working with people and enjoyed physical contact. He later got excited about acupuncture. Lev in the healing arts made sense.

Yesterday I had an amazing chance encounter. I tried to set up a lunch meeting with a co-worker and utterly failed to negotiate the labyrinth of communication tools in order to do so. In desperation I jumped off 99 and headed to Paseo, where at least my lunch alone would be tasty. Packed with customers, I hovered near a table to swoop in for a seat. As I did so, another man did the same. But instead of being awkward, he looked me right in the eye and asked if he could join me. I thought that he was either a very cool guy or a gay man trying to hit on me. I assumed the former, cautiously.

He started to tell me why he was there. He lived 3 blocks away, but they were working on his house and he was tired of the dust and the noise. He asked where I lived and was surprised I lived up north. As a young man in the 70s he had worked in the forest service near Rockport and Concrete, so he knew Skagit Valley well. He had moved to Seattle to go to medical school at UW, and then stayed because be liked the town and liked seeing music. I told him I was in Massy Ferguson, and he was delighted because he had seen us with "Jay" (Son Volt) and had even grabbed Ethan to tell us how much he enjoyed the set. Sweet!

He then told me he had just seen Swell Season, with Glen Hansard, at the No Depression festival. I was excited, because Glen was my songwriting hero. He actually knew Glen, and was even going to have him over for Thanksgiving. How did he know Glen? Turns out that he decided long ago to provided free medical care for any musician, regardless of income level. This was his way of giving back. Amazing! He had met tons of musicians, some of them rich and famous. I found this inspiring.

The talk continued into how one makes life choices like that. I admitted that I was at a crossroads myself, and he said that seemed obvious. I then decided to tell him why. He was devastated, both as a sympathetic human and as a concerned doctor. He peppered me for details, and then declared his intent to help me get to the bottom of this. He wanted all the docs he could get, including ambulance and hospital records. Hepromised to read the autopsy report and help me decode it. Incredible. What a chance encounter!

I am glad to hear that

It is hard to imagine Lev not traveling, not adding his wit and wry commentary to everything he sees. He had a unique viewpoint.

Today I told Jaal that I could imagine one day being happy to have one son and to carry on that way. He said "I am glad to hear that," which was very surprising for him. This struck me hard. I must recover and be strong for his sake.