Checking in:
At work we check in at our leadership team meeting every Monday. It's seven people around a table sharing something personal, or sometimes work related, about how they are doing or how their weekend was, before we start the meeting. It builds trust and community. It also sometimes makes me feel like I'm not being honest, so in my head I do a true checking in and imagine a world where at work you can say the really hard stuff and then continue with regularly scheduled programming.
I check in, but there is usually a side comment in my mind that doesn't get said.
"My daughter was sick, so we stayed home most of the weekend." … scared to death she would just die like Lev did.
"I went snow shoeing with Jaal on a fabulous mother - son trip." … wearing what I think were Lev's snow shoes.
"We had a family gathering." … without Lev.
"We celebrated a birthday." … that Lev will never celebrate.
"We had a great Halloween." … but I had to go into the Halloween trunk with Lev's old costumes.
"We are going to Victoria to visit friends." … friends that we stayed with when we cremated Lev, friends that shared our darkest hours.
That's life, and it's complicated, and still full of grief. Joy along with the grief, true joy and true suffering.
It's like having a heavy rock in your pocket. It can get smooth with rubbing and comforting to have close, but it's a heavy weight to carry.
