thoughts

I woke up this morning hugging a pillow, crying.

Then a quote came to me and I felt a bit more at peace.

There is nothing so whole as a broken heart

July 9th get together

As a heads up, we are going to have a get together around 2:00 at our house for people who live nearby, and are around, on July 9th. It will be the one year Anniversary of Lev's death.
It seems like it has been such a short amount of time.

If you could email us a Lev story to add to Lev's blog that would be good. Especially for people that are further away, it would be great to get some stories. I would like to print myself a copy of the life with lev blog before the 9th.

It will be a potluck, sharing stories, maybe spread some ashes somewhere.

the blog is: www.life-with-lev.blogspot.com

thanks for all your support,

Rebecca

Mishearing

The other morning I was standing in the kitchen. I heard Lev coming down the stairs, as he did every morning. I was so happy that I would see him, my heart leapt with joy. And then I realized it was just the sound of the furnace clunkily stopping. I was devastated.

I cried long and lustily for the boy I would never see again.

Going sideways

I am amazed how reluctant my brain is to think sad thoughts, how viciously it fights against accepting awful truths.

Sometimes I have a moment of intense clarity, and I truly understand what has happened to us. It is like a thunderbolt of reality. And then boom, there is the clap of thunder, and before I know it I am thinking of something else. When I realize I have "gone sideways", I struggle to get the clarity back, but it is impossible. My brain absolutely refuses to think the thought. It is like staring at the door to a room, trying to get in. I try and yank at the door, and I can feel it open, but it snaps back shut before I can get a look inside. It is an amazingly frustrated experience. You realize that there is not one "person" in your head, but many different people fighting for attention. It is hard to maintain normalcy in the face of this madness.

Termites

I am like a house that is infested with termites

Outside I look fine

Inside I am being eaten alive

And it gets worse with time

Precious Thoughts

In a normal day, when your kids are in school, you might not think of them that often. Maybe only once or twice throughout the day. But when you do think of them, it makes you deeply happy and content. It nourishes your soul to know they are a part of your life.

I think of Lev more often now. And when I do so in the middle of a normal day it is as if the floor has dropped away and I am falling into the darkness.

Jaal is not a kid any more, he is a man. So I don't really have kids any more. Last summer I had two of them. Now I have none. I miss them terribly.