Who am I?

When you have a child, the person you were before dissolves, and you become the father of that child. When you have a second child, you become the father of two children. That is who I was and who I am. I am able to continue day-to-day normalcy because I live in denial. I am still acting like the father of two children. But sometimes the reality slips under the veil, and my core being understands what has happened. It knocks me off my feet. The thought has so much power that it gets swept away before I can grab onto it.

I feel cast adrift, looking for a new shore to anchor on, and seeing nothing but boundless ocean.

Who am I now?

He will never

I had a dream about Lev a few nights ago. I don't remember what we were doing, but for once I did not know he had died. As I woke up, I remember thinking he was a little out of shape. Then the thought slammed into me: he will never get a chance to get into shape. This was absolutely devastating, beyond sad, into a new emotion that scared me, something desperate and dark. I had to let it go.

The next night I dreamt Lev, Rebecca and I were in sitting in front of a piano. Again I did not know he died. Lev was playing pretty well as Rebecca and I watched. He was also being impish and banging some delicate china cups in rhythm, much to our chagrin. When I woke up, I had the thought: he will never play piano. It had the same terrible impact as the other "he will never..." thought.

I need to open myself up to this reality, but every fiber in my being fights against it.

Hey! How are the kids?

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "Hey! How are the kids?" I'm not really sure what it was supposed to mean but it made me angry. I'm still mad at that lady.