He will never

I had a dream about Lev a few nights ago. I don't remember what we were doing, but for once I did not know he had died. As I woke up, I remember thinking he was a little out of shape. Then the thought slammed into me: he will never get a chance to get into shape. This was absolutely devastating, beyond sad, into a new emotion that scared me, something desperate and dark. I had to let it go.

The next night I dreamt Lev, Rebecca and I were in sitting in front of a piano. Again I did not know he died. Lev was playing pretty well as Rebecca and I watched. He was also being impish and banging some delicate china cups in rhythm, much to our chagrin. When I woke up, I had the thought: he will never play piano. It had the same terrible impact as the other "he will never..." thought.

I need to open myself up to this reality, but every fiber in my being fights against it.