Lia (Liana) is wonderful. She's healthy, perfect, and sweet. Yes, she fusses sometimes and likes to be bounced or nursed constantly, but she is a baby after all. Tony seems happier that I thought he would be, just overjoyed really, she's so cute and special. My emotions have been more tumultuous. I was so relieved, upon her birth, to have actually given birth to a healthy, living being. But I was also irrationally worried about something happening to her. Afraid to get too attached, to give myself fully to her as I did to Jaal and Lev. I say it's irrational because I would look at her perfect fingers and be concerned that someone might cut them off. I think that was hormonal imbalance after birth or "baby blues" the first week, since it subsided pretty quickly, although I still worried about her as newborns seem so fragile.
I'm not as worried now, and as the weeks passed I allowed myself to begin to fall in love with her. The first time I had the thought, "I love you," it made me cry suddenly and I realized that there is no stopping my falling in love with her, it is inevitable. But, I fully understand in a way I never did before that there are no guarantees. Tony says to just appreciate every day, but I want to know for sure that she will not be taken away, that she will grow to be two, to be fifteen, to be forty. The not knowing eats away at me.
As I sit in bed now, typing on the laptop I look over at her beautiful face, and she is perfect. She's just so cute, and I'm glad she's here. But, it hasn't helped with the grief. I didn't think it would, I told people it wouldn't help but would add happiness. But I think somewhere deep inside, I thought it would help with the grief. I hoped it would, anyway. Well, it hasn't. I spent nine months holding back on my grief, concerned that if I cried too much she would be flooded with grief hormones. Now, I am finally able to grieve again, and we are coming up on the two year anniversary of Lev's death. This week, when Lia wakes up at 3am to nurse I can't go back to sleep. I spend a couple hours with insomnia, then crying, missing Lev terribly. Then I also get upset because I'm not sleeping and I know Lia will get up and need me.
Speaking of Lia, it's 9:30 and I thought she went to sleep for the night, but she now appears wide awake, bright eyed and farting in the bed next to me. I will write again another time.
I did make an appointment to start going to counseling again, so maybe that will help. And maybe I just need to be up from 3 to 5 to grieve. Or maybe by accepting it I'll begin sleeping again.
