chanukah

We decided to skip celebrating the holidays this year. It is no fun with Jaal at school and Lev not here, and no one feels much like celebrating anything.
Lots of nice memories, though.
I am feeling less bitter or resentful and more just sad again. I miss touching his hair. it was so soft and luxurious. I feel so sorry for Lev missing out on life. He deserved more.

Gatherings

Time goes on. I am not liking the holidays, which I guess is not surprising. Thanksgiving went well, but the more I think about it the less I like the idea of these holidays happening without Lev.
Chanukah, Christmas, solstice, etc - they just keep coming. These patterns of life, occurring without Lev. It's pretty awful.
I can get by, like I do at school, just chug along, not thinking too deeply about our reality, and I can get through the events.

But, I haven't figured out a good way to get through the events while being true to my emotions and respectful of Lev's absence.

For Thanksgiving dinner we didn't have a traditional Thanksgiving gathering, which felt better than just going on with the prior traditions for this year, but I tried a "new" tradition of passing a rock around that I got from Lev's room. It was fine, but didn't have the meaning I suppose I needed it to have, looking back. How do you give enough meaning to something so enormous? We are used to being really sad, crying, and eating. Other people aren't in the same space as we are, and they are not used to eating while being so sad. So, do we impose it on others? how much? when?

Thinking back, I realize I really haven't figured out what I want, and therefore can't tell other people. I know that not everyone grieves in the same way, and if Tony and I don't tell people what we want, then no one can even try to "grieve correctly". It's the same with traditions. If we want to create some tradition for friend or family gatherings that honors and recognizes Lev's life and his absence, I need to figure it out beforehand, and let people know what to expect.

We have had a few different gatherings - dinners with friends, Thanksgiving with family and others, brunch with extended family, etc. and we are starting to figure out what might work for us at this point.

First, we decided that we would avoid celebrations if possible, holidays, etc, as they are unduly difficult. But, besides avoidance...

I would like to try leaving a plate of food for Lev. We have been doing this at home, on a little altar near the dining room table. We put food there when we have something we think Lev would like, when it is a special meal, or when we are just thinking of him and don't know what else to do. We have done this at a friend's house, and it was a nice recognition, just a little plate of food set aside. I think we will try this out as an ongoing ritual. It's not too difficult. but it seems very respectful. It lets others know we are thinking of Lev and gives us somewhere to put the emotions. The only issue is dealing with the food later, as it rots or gets thrown away, but we have learned to deal with it.

Also, I notice that most people don't know how to respond when we talk about Lev. I think what we want now and what we may want in the future could change, but here are some tips:

1. You can never upset us by reminding us about Lev, or talking about him. We have not forgotten, even for a little bit, so it is never bad to bring it up. We like to get relief through crying, so don't feel badly if you make us tear up. But, also don't be surprised if we are "distant" and don't cry at the moment as I often get in shut down mode in public.

2. If we bring up Lev, a memory, etc, it means that we want to talk about him at that moment and we are opening a door. We would like it if you would respond with: a sympathetic statement, a probing question about Lev, or your own Lev story or insight. It is a sign that we are tiring of small talk for the moment and want to think a bit about Lev with you.

3. We like it when others share stories about Lev. When your child dies, it is not only their body that dies, but the whole part of parenting that runs an ongoing dialog about what they are doing, what they will do next, funny things about them, etc. All that dies, too. The whole past gets re-written to not have a future. The ice cream becomes one of the last ice cream cones he enjoyed instead of just a great ice cream. It is painful, and it is why I think grieving takes so long, for some stupid reason your brain needs to re-write every damn memory to re-calibrate it as something with an end.
So, when we share a story about Lev, or you share one, it keeps that little bit of parenting Lev still alive. It is a gift, and besides seeing Jaal is one of the few things that brings real happiness.

That's it for my tips. I have been thinking a lot about this with the passing of holidays and gatherings, and I'm not sure I expressed it well, but I tried.

I feel like lately we can go longer (2-5 days) between feelings of intense, acute grief, but when it hits it is pretty overwhelming. We are just going along with our lives, day by day working our jobs, hiking, eating, doing yoga, and it all feels so wrong. Like we are living this fake existence, waiting for reality to hit, for it to make sense, to do something with our lives to recognize how completely our lives have changed.

We are trying to figure out how to move forward, respecting Lev, valuing his existence, incorporating this intense sadness into our lives, and I don't think we've come much closer to figuring it out... but we keep trying. It's not so much about doing something different (although that's part of it), it's more about learning to go on with such overwhelming sadness overshadowing everything else.

I feel like I am still in denial. I want to travel back in time and fix this problem.

Rebecca