I just found myself fretting about Liana's poor sleeping abilities and planning a shopping list for Liana's birthday party, thinking about what food to make, to accommodate everyone's allergies, and needing to clean the house, etc, and then I am reminded that it doesn't really matter. It is not a reason to stress.
Melissa sent me the picture of a button with a photo of Lev that says, "Forever in our Hearts." A bunch of kids will wear them to graduation. She has extra buttons she'll send me if anyone wants one.
It sure does make everything else seem pretty unimportant.
Liana can wake me up as much as she wants during the night. I will gladly cuddle with her.
May 14, 2013
May 13, 2013
Bitter and sweet Mother's Day
How to explain to family and friends:
Yes. I am thrilled to have Liana. She is wonderful and sweet and happy and fills my heart with joy.
Yes. Jaal is wonderful. He is caring and thoughtful and very present in our lives. He made me the best pancake breakfast today and taught me to appreciate the prairie yesterday.
Yes, my mom is alive and we have a good relationship.
Yes, I realize Mother's Day is a holiday with a lot of hype.
And Yes, my step sister is gone and her kids have no mother.
And Yes, Mother's Day is still an incredibly sad day, full of tears, bitterness, and pain.
That is grief: it is bitter and sweet and it is for life. "This is a life sentence" and while I'm sure I'll get used to it with the years, it is awful and while Jaal and Liana make it much better, Lev is still gone. My best Mother's Day will be in 2010 when I was naive and Jaal, Lev and I went out for an innocently happy brunch in Mount Vernon. And they always made me breakfast in bed, and my heart just held sweetness without the bitterness to balance it out.
As long as Lev is gone, this and all holidays will be bittersweet.
And not bittersweet in a good way like with chocolate, just bitter at times and then sweet at times, more like sauerkraut and jelly, which is an unfortunate combination.
Yes. I am thrilled to have Liana. She is wonderful and sweet and happy and fills my heart with joy.
Yes. Jaal is wonderful. He is caring and thoughtful and very present in our lives. He made me the best pancake breakfast today and taught me to appreciate the prairie yesterday.
Yes, my mom is alive and we have a good relationship.
Yes, I realize Mother's Day is a holiday with a lot of hype.
And Yes, my step sister is gone and her kids have no mother.
And Yes, Mother's Day is still an incredibly sad day, full of tears, bitterness, and pain.
That is grief: it is bitter and sweet and it is for life. "This is a life sentence" and while I'm sure I'll get used to it with the years, it is awful and while Jaal and Liana make it much better, Lev is still gone. My best Mother's Day will be in 2010 when I was naive and Jaal, Lev and I went out for an innocently happy brunch in Mount Vernon. And they always made me breakfast in bed, and my heart just held sweetness without the bitterness to balance it out.
As long as Lev is gone, this and all holidays will be bittersweet.
And not bittersweet in a good way like with chocolate, just bitter at times and then sweet at times, more like sauerkraut and jelly, which is an unfortunate combination.
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