our life sucks

It just sucks so badly. How can something so awful happen to us?

looking through photos, feeling as bad as ever

breathless with the horror, then in denial and awaiting his return

I can see why it takes more than a year to really understand

Four months and it feels like yesterday

Rebecca

No air

Today in the kitchen I picked up a paring knife. I bought it with Lev, who thought it was awesomely sharp and cool. Often when I used the knife he would make some comment like "Aren't you glad we go that?". Now when I pick it up, there is just silence. The urge to hear his voice, to be in his presence again, was almost overwhelming. Yet there was no way to satisfy that urge, there was nothing at all I could do about it. This happens more and more nowadays, as my understanding of "never" deepens. It reminds me of being in a room without air. You have such a powerful urge to take a breath, but you cannot. And the more you try the more panicked you become. So you give in, and realize that there is no point of breathing, that you need to accept your fate. And thus it is with missing Lev: I just need to accept that he will never be back, and that I will never get to spend another moment with my beautiful son again. It hurts like hell, but with this acceptance comes a type of peace that allows me to carry on to another day.

autopsy

Well, we've had trouble writing about this one.
The emotions are too raw. The autopsy arrived Monday.
It provided no helpful information, just new difficult imagery and a horrible sense of finality.

The official cause of death was: acute purulent meningitis with ceribritis and ventriculitis.
What this means is that it was a very fast acting, most likely bacterial, pussy infection throughout the brain and spinal cord.
They were unable to grow any bacteria out, but did show gram positive and gram negative tests, so they do think it was bacterial of some sort.
They did say that even if he had been at the hospital at onset, with the rapidity of the infection by the time the serious symptoms show, it is too late.
But, could it have been meningococcal? Maybe. It didn't grow out, but can't be totally dismissed.

No one wants to receive or read an autopsy of their child. It was awful.
I was warned not to read beyond the summary page, but found myself needing to read more. He was described as a healthy fourteen year old with no other conditions - all organs normal yet using terms like dissection...

Death of a teen is almost always tragic. The recent ones here were drownings and hit by a car walking home. They all carry guilt and what ifs. With Lev's, since it was such an unlikely illness to get, whatever it was, it makes me realize how little control we have in this world. Any little change would have changed the outcome.
... had he not gone to the carnival, or had we not gone on a certain hike ,or had we left for vacation earlier, or had we not moved to Sedro-Woolley, or... who knows. All we know is that our current life led us to this result, and I am back to just wanting a different ending.

I just want Lev back, and for both Tony and me, the receipt of the autopsy has just intensified the emotions, the horror of forever, the hopelessness, the emptiness.
It has been a hard week, yet it seems toff just get worse. I feel smothered by reality, confused, spaced out, and absent. At least I am able to sleep.

Tomorrow I have to lead an assembly. Today I taught kindergarten for a while. It is getting harder to distract myself, and I don't really want to either. Since I can't be with Lev, I can at least be with the sadness completely. At least Tony and I are in the same mental space together. I realize that is making a huge difference.

Rebecca