Tomorrow

Part of my brain believes I will be seeing Lev tomorrow. I did not know this until yesterday, when the thought suddenly popped into my head. But I realize now that it has been there all along, and that its secret nourishment has kept me going all these months.

I am only able to truly comprehend Lev's death as I fall asleep or as I wake up, when his failure to miraculously appear is sadly evident.

Tony Mann (1965-2010)

I died on July 9, 2010. That person who was ultimately satisfied with everything, who relished being alive, is no longer with us. And yet mysteriously I continue on, with a new life, a new beginning.

I will never be able to incorporate what happened to Lev into the reality of my current life, despite agonizing and desperate attempts at it. And strangely enough, I can find some peace in accepting that.