Flu in Amsterdam

On the train to Amsterdam I came down with the flu, starting with just a sore throat, progressing to fever, chills, and cough.
My immune system is weak, I have already had two colds this fall. My legs ached, like Lev's did the night before he died, but I survived. His symptoms were more minor than mine, it is frustrating that we had no way of knowing, Even though there was nothing we could have done once the symptoms arrived, at least if we had been able to say goodbye it would have been nice. I suppose it wouldn't help in the long run.

I am feeling better today. Mike and Inga, and everyone we have visited, have been fabulous hosts, and it has been really nice to connect with friends we have not seen in a while, to just chat, and to talk about Lev. It has been good to see Jaal and Zay having a good time. I want them to see a future for themselves and traveling opens up new ideas.

It is hard when we do things that Lev would have loved, but nothing is hard as just being home.
I have teared up a plenty, but not had a good sob since we left home. I''m not sure if that's good or bad, but it is what it is. Distraction is a bit of a relief.

I do not look forward to starting a new year without Lev, but life goes on. We are fortunate to have close family and friends. And it has been great to spend lots of time with Jaal these last few weeks.

Sometimes I wonder why I blog, and if I will continue, but I think it helps me to get my thoughts down, and why not share them? It brings us all closer.

I'm off to take a Tylenol and do a boat tour of Amsterdam canals. At least I feel up to doing something today and Amsterdam seems like a great, throbbing city.
They are really into fireworks here, and David is looking forward to blowing up some of his toy cars and things.

Rebecca

Train to amsterdam

December 28, 2010
Tuesday

We are on a train to Amsterdam, riding first class as it was the same price as coach. As we sip wine, reclining in our comfy seats, snacking on a chocolate croissant, I see that I can appreciate many things while still being sad. I usually just feel naturally low, but if there is a little while of fleeting happiness, I feel guilty and wrong. I know, people say that Lev would have wanted us to be happy, that we should enjoy any moments of relief, of lightness, that we experience, but anyone who has dealt with the death of a child knows it doesn't work that way. The guilt, the emptiness, follows you..

He has left such a huge hole in our lives. It has been great having Zay with us. It temporarily fills the sibling void with Jaal, occupies the fourth seat at the table, and keeps Lev alive and close to our hearts in a different way. I feel like if Lev were able to see us, he would be thrilled that Zay was with us.

We went to the museum of the Invalides, or the war museum, in Paris today. Lev would have loved it. There were rooms and rooms of weapons, knights and armor. It was pretty amazing. And, it was in a beautiful old building with Napoleon's tomb. We had crepes with cider on the way there, which was also one of Levs favorite foods. It feels good to do things for Lev. It is sad, because it is more that he is missing out on, but it feels right. We can raise our glasses in a toast to Lev, tear up, and talk about how impressed he would be. It feels right. I love talking about Lev, even though it is hard. It keeps more bits of him alive.

It is hard to believe that he won't be home when we get back, that there is absolutely nothing we can do to make it better, to make him wake up, come back.
It is frustrating, and traveling doesn't make it any better. His absence looms large. He brought such extreme joy to a situation, achieving full glee quite often - when he wasn't moody and complaining. When things were good, they were super duper good for Lev. He would have loved playing with his New cousin, Lili. I am bummed that she will never know him - never, ever.

This trip is the first time I have used a camera since Lev died. Making fake smiles in front of monuments... seeing new things that Lev will never see.
But, for us and for Jaal and Zay, life goes on, and I want them to see that there is adventure and good things left to come. It may be the worst thing ever that Lev is gone, but those of us that are still here need to enjoy what we have, whenever possible. We try. We do stuff. We stay busy, get exercise, enjoy our friends, but it still feels very wrong. Lev would want to know that he was important enough that his not being here has messed up our whole lives.Eventually he would want us to be happy, but he would be damn bitter about dying.

He is sorely missed.

Rebecca

Still traveling

December 26, 2010
Sunday

It is hard to be in a place where Lev should be.
It seems so wrong, and unbelievable, like he will be home when we return.
We are seeing the sights, Versailles today, Louvre tomorrow, which is really nice yet sad to never be able to show it to Lev.

great to see Laura and family, Lily is cute at two.
trapped in a world without Lev, but at least we are together in a lovely place eating croissants

it is great to have Zay here too, to have two boys to travel with, but I really just miss Lev.

Rebecca

Train to Paris

December 24, 2010
Friday

We had a lovely visit with Ignacio and Lourdes in San Sebastian.

They both commented that they were glad to see that we are the same people as before.
Others have said the same thing. I feel different, sad, mellow, distracted. Yet we still can enjoy life, and time with friends. I have not lost my sense of humor or appreciation for good food, walking, hanging out. I feel like I appreciate beauty more- art, scenery. I am impressed that there are still nice things in the world that seems so dark.
Are we the same people we were before? yes and no. Last week I was looking at a picture where I was really laughing, and I can't imagine being so freely happy now. Besides just being sad, I feel more pensive and confused. I hold a much deeper understanding of how uncertain our future is, and while it may make me appreciate each moment more, it is a burden.
I also feel that being the same is somehow unfair to Lev. I know others don't understand this, but I still feel like I should be miserable. What right do I have to enjoy an ice cream when Lev will never be able to?I am glad to give new experiences to Jaal and Zay, and show that life can be okay, that life will go on, yet I don't want it for myself, or don't feel ready. I go back to thinking that it is just so unfair.

Jaal bought a shirt, and my first thought was that we should bring one back for Lev, too. I keep expecting him to be coming back.

How could we go on vacation without him? Am I insensitive, thoughtless, selfish, cold, and disrespectful?

I am not proud of how "well we are doing" yet I know it's not a bad thing. Lev does not benefit from our being miserable, it is just more true to our hearts.

Yet it is good that we did. We needed a break. It been nice to get away and see new things, be distracted, reset our lives a bit.

We are on a train to Paris.

Rebecca