Friday
We had a lovely visit with Ignacio and Lourdes in San Sebastian.
They both commented that they were glad to see that we are the same people as before.
Others have said the same thing. I feel different, sad, mellow, distracted. Yet we still can enjoy life, and time with friends. I have not lost my sense of humor or appreciation for good food, walking, hanging out. I feel like I appreciate beauty more- art, scenery. I am impressed that there are still nice things in the world that seems so dark.
Are we the same people we were before? yes and no. Last week I was looking at a picture where I was really laughing, and I can't imagine being so freely happy now. Besides just being sad, I feel more pensive and confused. I hold a much deeper understanding of how uncertain our future is, and while it may make me appreciate each moment more, it is a burden.
I also feel that being the same is somehow unfair to Lev. I know others don't understand this, but I still feel like I should be miserable. What right do I have to enjoy an ice cream when Lev will never be able to?I am glad to give new experiences to Jaal and Zay, and show that life can be okay, that life will go on, yet I don't want it for myself, or don't feel ready. I go back to thinking that it is just so unfair.
Jaal bought a shirt, and my first thought was that we should bring one back for Lev, too. I keep expecting him to be coming back.
How could we go on vacation without him? Am I insensitive, thoughtless, selfish, cold, and disrespectful?
I am not proud of how "well we are doing" yet I know it's not a bad thing. Lev does not benefit from our being miserable, it is just more true to our hearts.
Yet it is good that we did. We needed a break. It been nice to get away and see new things, be distracted, reset our lives a bit.
We are on a train to Paris.
Rebecca
