send your Lev memories

Melissa wrote a blog entry on the other blog, www.life-with-lev.blogspot.com
It was great to hear someone else's story, to gain a bit of perspective and add good stories to my mind.
I wish more people would send us memories of Lev for the blog.
They are little gifts.

Lost

Lev loved to think, to fantasize, to ponder. He was so unique and interesting, with so many thoughts in that lovely head, so much creative energy. A lifetime of knowledge and imagination. All lost in that horrible moment in the tent, when his brain succumbed. Lost forever. Such a waste, and so very sad, that we can never retrieve them.

Somehow, maybe

The human brain is a strange thing. I saw Lev die, yet I keep thinking that somehow I will see him again, in this house, in this world; that maybe he will be coming back soon. There is apparently a part of my brain that cannot accept or understand his death. When someone is a part of your life for 15 years, you expect their presence, they are part of the fabric of your existence. Perhaps it just takes time to assimilate the horrible fact that he is gone forever. Or maybe the pain of knowing for sure is more than I can bear. It seems ridiculous to me, it is so frustrating, that I keep hoping to see him again, but there is no way to stop myself. I have no choice to relent. Maybe my brain knows best.

re-entry

Arriving home has been difficult.
I have felt more despair in the last two days than I have felt in quite a while.
A painting, a sweatshirt, an uneaten pancake are all vivid, tangible reminders of the fact that Lev is still gone.
Not coming back,
I am reminded of a children's story about lifetimes that I read to kids when their pet died.

Everything has a lifetime- trees, ants, cats, people.
Sometimes it is cut short, by an accident or illness.
But that is its lifetime.

Lev was with us just ten days short of fifteen years.
I am having the hardest time recognizing that that was his lifetime.
I hope that one day I can appreciate those years without sadness, regret, anger, frustration, jealousy, or despair.
maybe the longing and love will remain
the hope has ended for Lev

Jaal left today, too, to head back to college

Rebecca