My son Lev died almost four years ago. It was a sudden, traumatic death from bacterial meningitis. He was almost fifteen years old, youngest of two sons and a creative, wondrous spirit, full of attitude.
We now have a two year old, and a twenty-two year old, and in the last few months I found myself experiencing more anxiety. I had been having depression off and on since his death, for obvious reasons, but the increased anxiety was new and not welcome.
The local yoga studio that I was attending offered a five week session of depression and anxiety, so I signed up for the five classes.
We brought a journal to the sessions to record thoughts and any things to practice. We checked in with how we were feeling on a scale from 1-10, with one being very sluggish and depressed and ten being highly anxious. Our breathing practice and some poses might differ based on how we were on the scale, with breathing being intentionally slower if highly anxious and more active if very depressed. We did deep, three part breathing to slow anxious breathing. Along with some basic yoga, we practiced doing a walking meditation, which is just very slowly walking, best done barefoot, feeling every part of your foot touching the ground, focusing on the here and now of the feel of slowly walking, literally grounding yourself. We learned to stand still and do a "body scan." Start with the feet and slowly move up your body, thinking about how each part of you feels. It takes a few minutes and brings you to the here and now.
Another thing we did was to think of a sankappa. "Sankappa" means purpose, intention, resolve, aspiration, motivation. It is an idea or practice of how you'd like to be. The first one that came to me was one that others wish for me: "I am resilient." I sat with that for a while, and decided it was crap. Being resilient is "to able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions." There is no recovery; it's not like I'm waiting to just bounce back from my son's death. Yes, I want to withstand my current situation, but the recover quickly part is not fitting this type of loss. What came to me and made sense as a Sankappa was "I can live with my loss." and then "I am still whole." I tried both of them out for a while, thinking during relaxing and breathing. "I am still whole" worked for me, and I stuck with it. I was feeling very scattered and broken, like I am missing a limb and learning to live without it. I would find myself in a toy store looking for a birthday present for a two year old friend and suddenly be highly anxious, remembering doing the same thing with my older boys so many years ago and realizing how my present and future has changed into every parent's nightmare. Thinking "I am still whole" while deep breathing was breathing Lev's essence in, keeping him in me, with me instead of missing him and being confused by my present reality. I could fill myself with his spirit, my love for him, and my memories of him and it made me feel less scattered. When negative sanskaras (recurring negative impressions/thoughts) come to mind, try to replace them with the positive, centering sankappa.
I am not much of a poet, but after or during each session a poem came to me. I will share some below.
I Am Still Whole
I am still whole
although I may feel broken
I feel myself walking
feet touch the ground
heel, arch, toe
I am here
with you, within me
I am whole
although I may feel
I am missing a limb
I am here
I feel myself breathe
You are within me
More than ever
I am us
I go on
------------------------------
Broken
You broke me
The morning you left
Shattered
Now you come with me
Always
In mind and in heart
With you and without you
Always together
-----------------------------
Shavasana
I lie
Still
Trying to quiet the mind
Tears well
I miss you
For you are gone forever
I gather you close
And breathe you in
A poem arrives
Of wanting
Of being
----------------------------
Sankappa/Sanskara
I am still whole
--But a piece of me is missing
--But I miss you terribly
--But I needed you with me
I am still whole
--But it was my job to keep you safe
--But I am bitter, angry, and jealous
--But I feel an emptiness within
Yet I am still whole
I breathe you in
