Tuesday
We are on a train to Amsterdam, riding first class as it was the same price as coach. As we sip wine, reclining in our comfy seats, snacking on a chocolate croissant, I see that I can appreciate many things while still being sad. I usually just feel naturally low, but if there is a little while of fleeting happiness, I feel guilty and wrong. I know, people say that Lev would have wanted us to be happy, that we should enjoy any moments of relief, of lightness, that we experience, but anyone who has dealt with the death of a child knows it doesn't work that way. The guilt, the emptiness, follows you..
He has left such a huge hole in our lives. It has been great having Zay with us. It temporarily fills the sibling void with Jaal, occupies the fourth seat at the table, and keeps Lev alive and close to our hearts in a different way. I feel like if Lev were able to see us, he would be thrilled that Zay was with us.
We went to the museum of the Invalides, or the war museum, in Paris today. Lev would have loved it. There were rooms and rooms of weapons, knights and armor. It was pretty amazing. And, it was in a beautiful old building with Napoleon's tomb. We had crepes with cider on the way there, which was also one of Levs favorite foods. It feels good to do things for Lev. It is sad, because it is more that he is missing out on, but it feels right. We can raise our glasses in a toast to Lev, tear up, and talk about how impressed he would be. It feels right. I love talking about Lev, even though it is hard. It keeps more bits of him alive.
It is hard to believe that he won't be home when we get back, that there is absolutely nothing we can do to make it better, to make him wake up, come back.
It is frustrating, and traveling doesn't make it any better. His absence looms large. He brought such extreme joy to a situation, achieving full glee quite often - when he wasn't moody and complaining. When things were good, they were super duper good for Lev. He would have loved playing with his New cousin, Lili. I am bummed that she will never know him - never, ever.
This trip is the first time I have used a camera since Lev died. Making fake smiles in front of monuments... seeing new things that Lev will never see.
But, for us and for Jaal and Zay, life goes on, and I want them to see that there is adventure and good things left to come. It may be the worst thing ever that Lev is gone, but those of us that are still here need to enjoy what we have, whenever possible. We try. We do stuff. We stay busy, get exercise, enjoy our friends, but it still feels very wrong. Lev would want to know that he was important enough that his not being here has messed up our whole lives.Eventually he would want us to be happy, but he would be damn bitter about dying.
He is sorely missed.
Rebecca
