I often say to Rebecca "I can't believe it". The problem is that people say that all the time, about all kinds of silly things. But I mean it literally: I am unable to believe it, unable to believe that Lev is gone. His existence felt like the natural order of things: unalterable, dependable. If I woke up and clocks spun backwards, I would know I was still dreaming, because that is not how the world is. That is how I feel about Lev: since he is not here, this must not be the world I know. It is as if gravity failed and I just had to accept that as the new reality.
But the truth is that this world without Lev is not the real world to me, or at least not a good one. It is a new, nightmarish thing, and whether I am sleeping or awake does not matter. I miss the old world so much, a place where my family was all together, where the house was full of childish energy, where happiness was always right there with you.
