I am overwhelmed with a deep guilt for leaving him behind.
I am trying to recognize, accept the emotion fully and then let it "flow down the river".
I feel guilty of not being able to help him, as he reached out to me, in seizure in the tent, grabbing my thumb, not conscious. There was nothing I could do; I was helpless.
I feel guilty that I did not know he had some sort of weakness or maybe it was just really bad luck. I could not help him recognize that they were his final breaths and say goodbye. I did not know.
I was overwhelmed by guilt and brought to tears this morning by eating a bit of ripe mango. It was so perfect and delicious, and Lev will never get to eat it.
How can I enjoy mango when he cannot?
I have spent the last year waiting, waiting for him to return and come back down the stairs. If I wish it hard enough, if we leave everything just how it was, maybe he can step back in. I so want him to.
But now we pack and I feel that I have given up on him. I need to stop waiting and wishing but this wrong and right at the same time.
I feel guilty for giving away his shoes. Shoes, they are one of the hardest things for me. If we give away his shoes, I need to accept that he will not return to wear them.
How can we go on, just like other people: eating, walking the dog, growing fat, whatever it is, we do it without Lev.
Why do we deserve a future and he did not?
I eat, I feel guilty. I read a book, I feel guilty. I walk the dog, I feel guilty. I plunge the toilet and recall fond memories of Lev clogging the toilet with his poo and I wish it were his poo.I miss his poo clogging the toilet.
I keep apologizing to Lev,telling him I am sorry we are packing his stuff, deciding what is of value and what is not.
-Please don't tell me I shouldn't feel guilty. I do, and it is one of many emotions I feel along with sadness and despair. I accept it and continue on until I can add "at peace" or "acceptance" to my emotions.
