A person I work with's 39 year old son died suddenly on Friday.
Chrystal's birthday was yesterday.
Lev's loss looms large every day.
Why when someone dies do I need to first think, is that worse than losing a teenager?
I remind myself that it is all terrible, and it doesn't matter.
But I still spend some mental energy thinking about it.
Is this as bad as it gets?
No, some people I have talked to or heard about have it worse:
suicide is worse
losing more than one family member at a time in a car accident is worse
somehow actually causing the death would be worse
Beyond that it is just something to ponder:
Is it worse to die at 39, when you have a had a chance to live more years? Think of all the life you lived, but there are more people to leave behind.
Is it worse to die and leave children behind, or are you fortunate to have grown old enough to have children?
Is it worse to die because you did something stupid, like not looking before crossing the street?
Is it worse when you're eighteen or are you fortunate to at least to have gotten a few more years, to have learned to drive, maybe had sex, etc?
Is it worse to die at six, when there is so much life ahead of you, or has your family not gotten so attached? What about one year, one month? What age do you matter most? Are the teen years the worst, when you are a real, full being, yet fully at home.
Is it worse for it to be a sudden death, and not get to say goodbye, or are you lucky you were not sick for long?
Is it worse to lose a child than a spouse?
What about a grandparent or parent who has lived for eight or nine decades already and had a full life?
In the game of loss, our loss is big, but is it the biggest loss there is?
I'm not sure why my mind plays this game, who cares? It is not a perseverance competition.
Perhaps it is to assure myself that this is about as bad as it gets, as it probably won't get worse. I know it always could, more accidents, death, loss, but chances are this is as bad as it will get.
I feel for those people and their losses. I wonder if their last days with their loved ones were good ones. I hope that they can have no regrets, that they can limit their guilt, for the loss is big enough alone.
It is a game where everyone loses, like our grief group is a group that no one wants to join.
Rebecca
