The shadow and the mountain

Sometimes when I lay awake at night suddenly I have this immense clarity, and I understand Lev's death in a way that goes beyond words and feelings. Everything else moves aside and there is just the one immense fact that Lev is not here and never will be. It is a staggering realization. When I wake up I have trouble connecting with my understanding and it was hard to explain it to Rebecca.

Yesterday I found a visual metaphor that allowed to explain it. For the last year I have felt a shadow over my life, a darkness and sadness that permeates everything I do. Every once in a while the fog parts and I see a gigantic mountain looming over me. I suddenly realize that I have been in its shadow the whole time, without seeing the mountain itself. Lev's death is the mountain, and my grief is only but its shadow. The shadow feels heavy enough, but the weight of the mountain is so intense that it crushes me down in an instant.