I woke up in the middle of the night because I had to pee. So, I started thinking of other things and couldn't get back to sleep.
Then, I realized I was awake in the middle of the night, thinking of something stupid, something other than Lev.
And I start to feel guilty; how could I be up thinking of something else other than Lev?
I had just read another section of a book I've been reading off and on for the last year, A Broken Heart Still Beats.
I had been reading a chapter on guilt.
Most people feel guilt when someone dies, even if it's your spouse or parent, but parents whose children die feel the most guilty.
Parents whose children die suddenly feel more guilty than those who had time to prepare (illness, etc).
Parents of older children feel more guilty than parents of young children.
So, I am typical.
One day, you actually enjoy a sunset or a milkshake, truly enjoy it, and then you remember that your child can no longer enjoy those things and the guilt quickly returns.
I don't expect it to go away, but maybe it will become a shadow instead of a weight on my gut.
I feel so sorry for Lev. Sorry for everything that he is missing.
And so sorry that I was not able to protect him.
I didn't know he had some sort of weakness, or some bacteria lurking inside him that week.
I didn't know when he felt like he might be coming down with the flu he actually needed to be taken to the hospital and given high doses of antibiotics.
I didn't realize his sleeping, shallow breathing next to me was a status seizure.
I was unable to help him.
It was my responsibility as his parent to keep him safe, and I failed.
Parents, while given the responsibility to care for their children, are often not given the ability to do so.
It was out of my range of abilities, and I am sorry for that.
I am sorry that my life goes on while he will have no more opportunities to do anything. It is completely unfair.
I feel guilty for having a baby, even though it is what he would have wanted.
Today we packed for a trip to Costa Rica next week. We are going back to visit, to spend time in a place that used to bring me peace.
I'm not sure that it will.
I am feel better when I am consistently living with the grief instead of the rubber band back and forth of denial and realization.
I am hoping I can accept it a bit more there, but I'm not sure why I think I will be able to.
I packed our normal stuff, but I only packed three passports. I left Lev's in the folder.
I packed copies of the program from Lev's memorial and a small velvet pouch with some of his ashes.
We plan on visiting his memorial site at the school, and maybe having a little gathering with students and others, or just some alone time.
It will be nice to see friends that knew Lev well, but it will not be easy.
I think Jaal will have a nice time. He's bringing his girlfriend and I think they will make it a fun trip as much as it will be difficult for us.
... guilty for going... guilty for not going... accept the emotions and keep moving on
Rebecca
