Real

As I lay awake the other night, the only thing that felt real in this world was Lev's death. Everything else in my life felt illusory and unimportant, a series of events that could be acted upon or ignored with no consequence. But Lev's death stood alone as the one Fact in the universe that must be acknowledged. It is the Mountain.

Other times it is all flipped around, where Lev's death is so hard to believe that my mind refuses to accept it. This folly allows me to do things like eat and sleep, for normal life to go on. So there is value in this denial.

Thus there are two worlds I live in: the real one with a real death, and the illusory one with the denied death. It is debilitating to be split in two. To join the halves requires me to accept and acknowledge that Lev is gone, in the same way I would accept gravity and setting of the sun. But I am not ready to do that.