Home, my mind flashed to our house in Monteverde, then Sedro-Woolley, and then I was momentarily confused, where is home? Where are we going back to?
Oh, yes the condo, our beautiful little box in the sky. How I wished we were going home somewhere with the four of us, sometime when we were happy. I realized then very clearly that the feeling of home is gone, now we just live somewhere. Walking down the beach, waves lapping my ankles, tears streaking my cheeks, and then sitting and watching a strange hermit crab ceremony, trying to accept our life as it happens to be, I once again regained my composure, the baby kicking me - saying, Hey, I'm in here, the future will be different, we will need to create another home.
Today we are home. It's comfortable, sterile and easy living compared to the rainforest. Nothing smells of mildew and ants don't eat the cookies that Cherie, our friend and cat sitter left for us. Jaal was still here in the morning, and after a rude awakening, remembering our current situation, Tony and I got up and made a nice pancake breakfast before he headed off to Christmas with his girlfriend, Melinda's, family.
I am reading a novel with some mourning in it (at least something I can relate to) and read this paragraph. It made complete sense to me.
"You wake from a hard-won sleep and lie there warm and groggy and consider engaging in the day. And then you remember. Half of you is not there, and never will be again." It feels more like four legged chair missing a leg, trying to prop it up with something to get through the days, but it keeps falling over and needing to be propped up again.
It's great being with Jaal and I'm so glad he's doing well and happy. It truly warms my heart. It feels like a privilege to be able to watch your child grow up.
The day he leaves is always difficult, as the house is unnaturally empty once again. After he left, I had a long shower, crying until I drained the hot water tank, missing Lev, feeling so sorry for him and the life he is missing- the pancakes, the holidays, the vacations, the friends, getting taller, growing a beard. It's pretty unbearable at times.
Then, I find a way to prop up that missing leg of the chair and keep going.
