But, I haven't been adding photos or stories to Lev's blog either, so in reality I think I just am not taking the time to do it, or not into the computer aspect of it at the moment.
With the death of a coworkers step-son two weeks ago, work has not been as much of an escape. I have been called on to be a grief expert, for her and another person whose three year old died last month. I am definitely not ready to give anyone much useful advice.
Yesterday I had to look for something, and whenever I go through stuff in the house I find things of Lev's.
I found a present I wasn't able to give him, a telescope of his, a new calculator he never used, his hat from last Halloween, his school pens and supplies, his skis, and camping supplies from last July.
Stuff always gets to me. It is crystal clear that he won't use it again. Sometimes it feels like he's gone off to study elsewhere for a while, and I am awaiting his return, but when I find his stuff I am forced to recognize that he won't ever come back to use it. It's incredibly sad and frustrating.
I want this part of my life to end, and for the part where we find a way to reverse things and have Lev back to begin. I know this is it, and I need to keep dealing, but I am tired of dealing. I am emotionally spent.
Rebecca
