Carry on my wayward son, they'll be peace when you are done.
I have lost my wayward son, I can't stop from crying again and again this evening.
I came home form work at 1, since I'm working part time this month. We had lunch together, Jaal, Tony and I. Then, we did some garden work. I have been into destroying weeds with a hoe or shovel, and Jaal enjoyed transplanting huge ferns from the edges of our land. Then, I went back to work for a two hour meeting all about the "why" of what we are doing, trying to educate all students. All the ones that don't mysteriously die on you.
On the way to the meeting, I checked my email on my phone to make sure that things didn't combust at school while I was gone. (I do have another principal helping out in the afternoons). I read an email from someone that read our blog - we haven't gone fully public yet - and it made me cry, which felt good. Then, I got it together and participated in a meeting about our life purpose in education...
Jaal and Tony picked me up at the district office, and we went to Bellingham to get some final things for Jaal for college - shoes and a tent. We realized we have an extra two person tent now. We wouldn't need two two person tents, as we are only three. I cried in the check out line, but no one noticed. Then, we went to the mall where Jaal got shoes. The last time I was in the mall I helped Lev buy a present for Melissa, while Jaal was buying shoes.
After that, we let Jaal choose where to eat. He is disturbed by being asked to choose a restaurant. It is not his normal role, yet he is only with us a few more days, so he gets special treatment. He wants us all to be happy with it, so checks with us that we're sure it's okay.
We went to La Fiamma Pizza. I remember our last time there with Lev. The silverware is wrapped in little paper strips, and while Lev went to the bathroom I wrote fortunes on them and convinced him that the restaurant gave us silverware with fortunes. He was amazed that the fortunes were exactly perfect for each one of us, and although I can't remember what I wrote on his - maybe "you will get a great hat and it will look fantastic on you" but I truly have no idea what I wrote, I remember the moment - our amusement that Lev thought the world was so magical that we could get perfect fortunes, each one of us. He didn't realize it was a joke until I laughed, and gave him a knowing look. Then he was mad at being fooled, but only for a moment. We talked about all the other perfect fortunes we could have written. It was a good night.
Tony and I split a bottle of wine, as Jaal was driving, and ordered a brownie sundae, too. My motto was that we had better well enjoy our life, as it's all we have.
Then, in the car on the way home, Jaal drove and I sat in front. The song, "Carry on My Wayward Son" by Kansas, was on the radio. Jaal and Tony were singing. And, I cried, and cried and cried. Silently, but tears steaming down my face. Jaal looked over at me, but he knew and kept driving. He had become accustomed to our crying, sighing, collapsing with our head on the table, staring into space, randomly hugging him, etc, etc. He stays focused on driving, and chugs along in life, making due with our lot, and going on as best he can. He misses Lev, but sees a future for us and himself, as much as I understand his emotions.
Tony said he was not surprised that I cried and cried, as that happens after I get a little manic, there is always the down to the trying to squeeze any bit of life.
The last couple days I have been thinking of how incredible and unfair it is. For Lev to feel like he is coming down with the flu and then die in his sleep is so inconceivable. The only reason we were even able to try and save him was because we were in a tent together, at home we would have just found him him in the morning. I am glad we were there for him, but I am tormented with his image in the hospital and ambulance, by his grabbing for my thumb in seizure in the tent. It haunts me still.
I'm not sure how I go on, dealing with the miniscule details of life, my job, etc. Tomorrow we lose a teacher and have to switch around lots of classes. I'm sure there will be lots of unhappy parents, then Open House. Oh well, life goes on for them.
A part of me just wants to call it a day and go join an ashram in India, or something. But, we chug on with our lives as if they will ever be the same.
Why do others get to keep their kids? Why not us?
Jaal goes to college in two days. He will need a break from us, a chance to enjoy his life away from such grief. We will miss him, but it is best. I am happy for him. I feel like we failed Lev, somehow could not save him, but Jaal is fully cooked, he is ready.
I wish him well, with all the love in my heart. It is so much it overwhelms him, but he understands.
Jaal and me and the Lorax, we understand. The only sad stuffed animal. So sad for what the world has become.
There is no "unless" for us, just the smog smuggered skies. Even if you care a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not.
So he will lift himself by the seat of his pants and take leave of himself, through a hole in the sky.
