I get the urge to lie down, just to give life a little rest, in all sorts of places.
- I've experienced the living room rug, the kitchen floor, our yard and front walk in different ways. Sometimes it overwhelms me, a desire to just not go on any further for the moment.
One day last week, walking with Tony, he just laid down on the edge of someone's yard, looking at the clouds. We thought about trying out different neighbor's front lawns, Tony is convinced that it is part of the public right of way. Certain neighbors would understand, and maybe join us or let us be. Sooner or later, some who don't know about Lev would start to wonder. Maybe we are trying to get grounded in our new reality. I have fought the urge at school, and I don't get it there very often. I am usually busy, buzzing with adrenaline from all the input. It is afterwards that I am drained.
empty rooms
We decided to change the carpet in part of our house. Our realtor said we should do it before putting the house on the market. yes, we are putting the house on the market. I like the empty rooms, ready for carpet. It looks different. I am tired of things looking the same, but being totally different. Finally, my internal and external worlds have collided a bit.
I don't think the house will sell quickly if at all, but I like the idea of renting and being free to do what we want at the end of the school year. I like the idea of setting up a house as a peaceful place, one where we can make an altar, an area with Lev's things to be able to think about him without being randomly beaten back by the book, the shoe, the nerf dart, the sleeping bag.I think Jaal will like it, too. He says he is fine with it, never being one to get too attached to a house.
I have gotten used to most of the triggers around the house - I know where they are, sitting, waiting for me to deal with them. The comic book on the second shelf of our coffee table, the shoe in the bin in the closet, the coat on the third hook over from the left. By knowing their place I am able to think and absorb their presence without being struck by it. I notice that they are not being used, that there they sit, not moving.
I still dwell on that morning, the morning he died still seems like a mistake, a universal error. Won't someone come and correct it? Something went terribly wrong in the world. I have been waiting, I think it will be twelve weeks tomorrow. Waiting for the world to make sense. That morning is like the divide between what I always thought our lives would be and what they have become. I'm not sure what they have become and I don't think I'll know for a while.
What I used to imagine the "empty nest" being like is nothing like what it is now. Our vision of our future has been destroyed and a new one needs to be built. The things I imagined enjoying are now hollow. Somehow, in our ruins, we will find a new future, some day. For now, we take life day by day.Walking, as if in a fog, through life.
Off to a yoga class, followed by dinner, maybe popcorn and a movie on the couch. I feel pathetic.
Rebecca
