of the things we will never get to do again. But if we let ourselves
get too off course, if we get caught up in the daily flow of life, if
we don't hold Lev in our thoughts, then we start to get anxious. It is
a deep feeling, it is inner grief trying to rise up, truly
subconscious. Its cause is far from obvious, almost a mysterious
source. But when the tears come and you feel a release, you understand
what you were anxious about.
Today I felt very anxious, and I did not know why. In a very logical
way I knew I was ignoring certain feelings, but I could not perceive
this consciously. I took the dog for a walk, hoping a little fresh air
and sunshine would help. As I passed under the railroad trestle, I
looked at the dry creek beside the road. There were some rocks piled
up in it. Lev had made a little dam, and used to cross the creek via
the stones on his way home from school. The dam was falling apart now,
the rocks scattered by the relentless flow of the creek during the
rains. I started at those rocks and cried. Lev was so proud of his
work; i crossed it with him many times. He will never get to cross it
again, he will never get to fix it. I will never again see his bright
eyes and glowing smile.
I am sad now, but not anxious. It is a better place to be. It hurts so
much to have him gone, but at least he is in my thoughts and heart.
