A compassionate thought from a friend is like a drop of love in an ocean of misery. It is nice, but it changes nothing. But I suppose we need freshwater to sustain ourselves.
Lately missing Lev has become more real, where I miss the actual physical being and presence, and not just the thought of him. This hurts in a whole new way that can really take me down. On the other hand, I decided yesterday that I needed to seek these thoughts and feelings while the memories were fresh, and the more I can connect with them, the better.
I was thinking this morning how happy I am that Lev got to hear my band's new album before he died. When we were in Canada I managed to download the tracks via my iPhone, and then we listened to them in the campground through the car stereo, cranked up as loudly as we could get away with. It was a sweet moment, with Lev weighing in on each song, sometimes with praise, sometimes with scorn. We managed to kill the car battery doing it, but even Jaal thought it was worth it. I am glad that modern technology let me share the music. If Lev had not heard the album, it would be harder for to listen to.
A world without Lev is a much colder place. The thought of never hearing his voice again is so chilling it can take my breath away. There was a part of me that was utterly devoted to him and dependent on him for a deep satisfaction with life. Now that he is gone, what will happen? Can I ever hope to close this hole in my soul? Will I forever be broken? Can I change my life to find fulfillment elsewhere? I know I will never be the same for the rest of my life, which is a hard reality to accept.
Lately missing Lev has become more real, where I miss the actual physical being and presence, and not just the thought of him. This hurts in a whole new way that can really take me down. On the other hand, I decided yesterday that I needed to seek these thoughts and feelings while the memories were fresh, and the more I can connect with them, the better.
I was thinking this morning how happy I am that Lev got to hear my band's new album before he died. When we were in Canada I managed to download the tracks via my iPhone, and then we listened to them in the campground through the car stereo, cranked up as loudly as we could get away with. It was a sweet moment, with Lev weighing in on each song, sometimes with praise, sometimes with scorn. We managed to kill the car battery doing it, but even Jaal thought it was worth it. I am glad that modern technology let me share the music. If Lev had not heard the album, it would be harder for to listen to.
A world without Lev is a much colder place. The thought of never hearing his voice again is so chilling it can take my breath away. There was a part of me that was utterly devoted to him and dependent on him for a deep satisfaction with life. Now that he is gone, what will happen? Can I ever hope to close this hole in my soul? Will I forever be broken? Can I change my life to find fulfillment elsewhere? I know I will never be the same for the rest of my life, which is a hard reality to accept.
