Adam told me it was "good to have me back". I suppose I have crossed some threshold, both internal and socially, where I can function more or less like a human being. On the other hand, while crossing the street last night, Ethan caught me longingly looking at the headlights of a car, as I wondered what it would feel like to be hit by it. So while part of me gets better, other parts get worse. The whole that is "me" struggles to make itself coherent.
I realize now that no matter how much I laugh, cry, think, talk, agonize and despond, Lev is not coming back. That one simple fact can take my breath away, as I keep realizing it for the first time.
I was thinking about the time the band was playing by the poolside, and Adam's plastic chair broke in the middle of the song. I was astounded to recall that Lev was there, probably laughing his ass off. I can feel my brain trying to edit him out, and I hate it. There are two ways I can go: hold him close to my heart and live with the pain, or let him fade and feel better. That latter feels so wrong and lazy and decadent. I don't know if it is really a choice or not, but I have to do what I can to make sure I keep him in the light, whatever the hell that means.
I realize now that no matter how much I laugh, cry, think, talk, agonize and despond, Lev is not coming back. That one simple fact can take my breath away, as I keep realizing it for the first time.
I was thinking about the time the band was playing by the poolside, and Adam's plastic chair broke in the middle of the song. I was astounded to recall that Lev was there, probably laughing his ass off. I can feel my brain trying to edit him out, and I hate it. There are two ways I can go: hold him close to my heart and live with the pain, or let him fade and feel better. That latter feels so wrong and lazy and decadent. I don't know if it is really a choice or not, but I have to do what I can to make sure I keep him in the light, whatever the hell that means.
