Annual Compassionate Friends Vigil and Chanukah

Tonight is the Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting Vigil through Compassionate Friends, for children, grandchildren, or siblings who have died, at 7pm. We didn't make it last year, as we were out of town, but we will go tonight to one in Bellevue. Our local Seattle group will have one at our regular meeting on the 20th. It is intentionally timed with the holidays as this is a difficult time of year. I was going to write that I don't find the holidays that much harder than the rest of the year, but it's not true. They are more difficult. There is some hype/expectation of joy. It is also accompanied with all the memories and the lack of future memories. This whole year, being Lev's senior year, has plenty of other triggers, too. It was the first time since Lev died that I was okay doing something for Chanukah. I wanted Jaal to have fun, and to have a photo of us doing something nice for the holiday with Liana. I should be glad that I was up to doing something celebratory, but instead I feel that I have to justify it. I'm not sure when I'll feel that I have the right to be happy, but I don't feel that way yet. I feel the need to say, "But, it's awful to do it without Lev." It's horrendous to watch the seasons pass, to exchange gifts, to eat and smile and enjoy without someone so essential to my being. I'm trying to fill a hole that can't be filled. I know that with other people in my situation I wish them happiness and I would feel that they deserve any bit of joy they can muster, yet I cannot expect the same for myself. When it hurts, it just hurts too much. It's like a chest crushing punch. But as time passes the feeling doesn't come as often. And with Liana around, we live with yo-yo emotions. I can be filled with love for our Liana the moment she wakes us and smiles, or cries. The depth of love is a bit frightening really. I sometimes still imagine losing her, and know that I couldn't handle it, so I try not to dwell on those fears. When Jaal comes to visit I also get like a rush of happiness, fullness, that goes away when he is gone. I'm really not sure how parents who have all their kids die survive, as it seems that they are what keeps us going. Liana seems to know she is trying to fill a happiness void. Tony just said this morning, "It's like no one told her you can't be happy all the time." She is just so full of love. (Reality check - she's definitely not happy all the time, but if you smile at her she always beams back.) So, when I pulled out the box of holiday supplies I remembered we had mixed in Halloween and Chanukah stuff, and pieces from Lev's last Halloween costume were mixed in with the menorahs. The last time we lit the menorahs we were happy and having fun. As much as we try, and we did have a really nice night with Emily, Melinda and Jaal, we just aren't our old selves and we can't recapture those people. I think we will start some new holiday celebrations with Liana, maybe making solstice our main seasonal celebration. I think it is important to have some tradition together, but not sure we can just continue with what we had done before. I'm just glad that we were able to do something this year. It know it is good to progress with the grief, to learn to keep on living with the emotions, to recognize them, and keep on going.