The saddest thing

Of all the sad, sad things about Lev's death, the saddest to me is seeing him dead on the hospital bed, realizing with frustration and growing horror that he would never wake up again, that we would never talk again, that I would never hear his lovely voice.

No matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, no matter what I was thinking, when I think about him never waking up, I feel a deep, dark sadness overcome me and stinging tears come in my eyes. Like right now.

There is an ocean of sadness that threatens to overwhelm my emotional dams. One day I might openly break down in public. That would be okay and natural, and would be a sign of respect and love to the child I have lost.