While watching I was drawn to keep watching them all. I was glad to see all the nice things that happened in his life, the amazing opportunities he had. They reminded me of events or little details I had forgotten. They document our lives together in a different way than the still photos.
Yet, as heart warming as it is to see the videos, it is more heart wrenching. It has put me in a bit more of a funk these last two weeks.
I really, really still miss him daily and wish he would come back. I still feel so sorry and guilty that I could not help him, that I did or could not protect him from that evil bacteria. I guess my emotions haven't really changed in the last year.
I still am unable to take in our reality all at once.
It is easier to cry and truly connect with smaller thoughts:
the thought of Lev not needing his phone,
of Lev missing tenth grade,
of missing his junior year,
of taking a family picture without him
those thoughts can send me over the edge, where it feels like someone is physically squeezing all the air out of my lungs and I'm not sure how I make it through the hour, still looking forward to sleep and having a break from this world.
We make good things happen in our lives, but it doesn't make the grief any better.
It is an untamed beast that will rear up if I try to suppress it too much. It is tired of being controlled for my convenience.
I am torn. I know I have things to be happy about, but I cannot access that emotion, for perhaps the beast has a grip on my heart, a dark cloud surrounding my days.
I think I need to let it out more but maybe I need to stay away from the videos. Perhaps it is too much, yet I am drawn to them like a mosquito to the bug zapper.
