A few people asked me what I meant when I wrote that I felt pathetic.
I suppose I meant it in the use of word as stated above.
Is it Pathetic to open up your heart publicly by sharing the blog? I feel like I do it for myself to reflect on my feelings, but also like the idea of others understanding our situation at a deeper level. We have so many friends from far away it is nice to be connected and it forces me to take the time to really think about how I am feeling.
I feel pathetic mostly in my inability to understand what has happened. Still crying my self to sleep at night and upon waking, wondering what happened. Replaying our last morning together, cuddling in the sleeping bag waiting for the ambulance, not understanding the severity of the problem. I still feel as though someone might awaken me or come in and let me know that this has all been a mistake, a dream, some sort of sick reality show to see how we would handle it, and then it will all be over, and Lev will be back, and our lives will continue as normal, but with a deeper appreciation for our time together.
It has been over three months now, and the grief is not getting any easier. We are more able to do things and function in our world, but the sadness and loss are intensifying if anything. My internal clock knows he's been gone a while and is going to have to accept he's not coming back. the other day, while crying in his room, I was brought back to the same mantra as the first week- I don't understand it, I want him back, I am sorry.
I feel like I have not moved in my understanding, I just built higher walls in which to walk through my days.
We got our "quality instruction" data back at school and it showed we were the "poster child" for improvement, amazing growth. It makes me feel good to know that I am making a difference and that I have not wasted the last four years of my life. It gives me purpose to go to work and continue the work, but it doesn't make this any easier. If anything it makes it a bit harder to have the disconnect of something going well In my life. I feel like everything should be falling apart.
Tony went to Iceland for the weekend, as his band won this trip in a Seattle contest. I am sleeping in the living room, and I like that it is different. Everything should be different. That would make more sense.
Just like the sunny weather we had this summer, the normalness of the rest of life seems to mock us, sticking its thumb on its nose and going " thpppp" to show that life is normal for everyone else. Only we left with this gaping hole.
I suppose I write to understand myself, and I share it because - why the hell not?
And, yes, I am getting together with friends and staying busy his weekend, and I don't mind staying home and crying by myself either. Tony is gokng brcause he has to, but I hope he finds some fun in it. You can check out his band at www.massyfergusonband.com
Rebecca
