- quote from Healing Through the Dark Emotions
This meal is definitely not going down well, just sitting at the back of my throat, ready to be regurgitated.
Whenever I think I might have gained some new understanding I am quickly brought back to the starting point.
I walk through most of the day having an outer body experience. I must prefer that numb, cold, outer body reality to my real one for a lot of the day, then it starts to weigh on me and I get a bit anxious or just really sad, and I know I need to spend some time with the hard emotions. In this culture we hold in high regard the ability to get back to work, hold yourself together, being cold and distant. I admire those people who live their lives being truly themselves, falling apart when they want instead of putting up such high walls. I think this journal keeps me sane.
This morning I woke up at 5:30 with a dream about being in a shoe store, the four of us. Tony and I were getting shoes. Jaal was browsing. I asked Lev if he needed new shoes. He had on a pair of black sneakers I didn't recognize. He said he was fine with the one pair, and then I jolted myself awake, realizing that he didn't need more shoes. It was great to see him but heart wrenching to wake up. Then I sobbed for about half an hour about Lev not going to get to go to France.
I just miss him, and I miss having hope for his future.
Rebecca
