Over the last week or so, I have discovered a new emotion: the excruciating pain of missing someone.
So many thoughts about Lev are sad. But when I realize, deeply and suddenly and without warning, that I will never, ever see him again, it goes beyond sadness, it hurts so much, a cosmic pain that rips me apart. I yell, I wail, I am racked with sobs. There is no relief in it, no endpoint. I eventually just have to stop before I exhaust myself.
I realize at these moments that I am finally starting to connect with what has happened, that I am beginning to comprehend the depth and intensity of the loss. And I can find value in that. Because I desperately want to understand what happened, no matter how much it hurts.
