I have started to do some writing about the five year mark, but it's not ready to be shared. What I realize is that these dates don't really make a difference; what makes a difference is the other things that are happening in your life.
The first year is awful, but your body and mind are somewhat protected by the shock of the situation. Every holiday, every month that passes, is horrific, but they do pass, and it's all so bad that it is a blur.
The second year is in many ways worse, since the shock begins to wear off, and the true realization that this is forever, that this will continue year by year begins to sink in.
Years three through five were similar for me. Life continues for the survivors, and the waves of grief go up and down based on mostly external life triggers, dates and events.
We happened to have a baby at that point, and have another son, so our lives had a clear focus and a ray of sunshine bursting through the grief.
Now, we have a completely fabulous daughter in which to focus our love, and for the first time in five years, are very far away from our older son.
We had seen him every two or three weeks for the last five years, and then he was here, living next door, for half a year.
We have also chosen to live in a place full of wonderful, strong memories of life with our two boys, and a community that remembers. That has its benefits and disadvantages.
But, close as we are here to memories, now we are far away from Jaal and Lev, and I feel it crumbling my soul, as much as being with Liana or walking in nature tries to brings sustenance.
I do believe that this too will pass; I will learn to appreciate how the missing of Jaal brings me closer to my missing Lev, and hopefully to separate the emotions. I do pine for Lev more, I dream of him more, I feel sorry for all that he is missing, and it may be that I need to be in touch with those emotions at this point. The deep sadness has returned for now, and I now know, after five years, that it will come and go, and to respect it and let it happen. Five years later, and I am still learning when to see the emotions and let them flow by, when to package them up and hold them in your pocket as you walk through the day, and when to breathe in the grief and see it as the love we hold for Lev.
This year I think I will learn walking with grief, instead of using distraction to avoid it. It may be a rough road, but I think it will be good. Or maybe I'll learn to shove it down again, and move through my days. What happens will happen and we will continue. We will be okay. Somehow I know that, that we will be okay.
