Is it really true? I wonder how we survived, how we keep going on with our daily lives.
I think of looking on Lev's computer, in the trunk of his things, through our photos, but I am rendered useless, suddenly exhausted.
I am surprised by the amount of grieving that is actually just sitting and staring.
I'm in the park, under the shade of a tree overlooking the water with Snowy. Appreciating a nice day that Lev doesn't get to enjoy.
Last time at grief group I left with an understanding that 22 year later I will still live with this sadness in my heart. I may be done crying but it will be there. I also left with an appreciation that at least Lev wasn't burned alive. That would have been worse.
That's where my head is at.
As we hope to bring a new life into this world I realize that we will not be the same parents we were before. Older and wiser perhaps, but sadder and grounded I'm a different way. It would bring us joy and purpose and it's what Lev would have wanted but it is bittersweet. I wish there were a way I could bring Lev back and whether it's a good idea or not, we chose the closest path that we could find.
