Sometimes the idea of publicly sharing my grief is unappealing.
The feelings are repetitive, cyclical, and if I really portrayed what was in my heart it would scare the reader.
At other times it gets ideas off my chest, and helps me to focus my reflection.
It's supposed to be good for me.
So, here I sit, broken hearted.
His life is gone, it only started.
Seriously, though, it has been a difficult week.
I always feel silly saying things like that, because it has been a horrible ten months.
Why talk about a certain week being difficult? Maybe just to clarify for those who are wondering- life is not getting better; it is not getting easier.
I am able to go more time between the heavy sadness, but when it hits it is just as strong as ever.
I suppose that's what they mean by saying, you grow your new life around the pain. It does not diminish, you just learn to live with it.
Last weekend I woke up on Saturday morning and realized that Lev died. It was as if it happened yesterday. Same emotions, same depth, same horror, guilt for not being able to help, trying to call him back.
After wailing for a while, and finally calming down, Tony and I put on our rain coats and rain pants and walked in to town for brunch. I am at a loss as to what to do, so we do whatever strikes us on a whim.
Sunday was hard, too, as it was Mother's Day. I walked the dog and saw this dad walking in the house with his little boy and a bouquet of flowers. So beautiful and so terribly sad.
Then Monday marked ten months. I have given up on the idea that somehow things will change as the months pass, so the dates matter less to me.
I don't like the change of seasons, flowers blooming, nice weather. Life keeps going on without Lev. I wish it would just keep raining.
I feel good about my decision to leave Sedro-Woolley at the end of the year, but I don't look forward to dealing with the house and dealing with the fact that we cannot sell it.
We also are trying to have a baby, and running into some stumbling blocks. That's hard to deal with in my current state of mind, when it is so hard to build any sense of hope.
In general, things are just terrible. I just want Lev back, I have a hard time recognizing that he's really gone, but as time goes on it hits me a little deeper, it seems more real, and that makes it much worse.
I have plans for the summer. When school is out I will move his Xmen comic book from the coffee table shelf. That's my plan. I think about it every couple days. Or his shoes in the shoe bin. They plague me, I know they are sitting there not being worn. I have a trunk ready to store some of his things in, but I haven't been able to. A few weeks ago, I did put a torn sweatshirt in the trunk. I thought about throwing it out, but couldn't do it. It was a sweatshirt that he intentionally tore up to wear to boffing. He really enjoyed it, and it was so Lev, to wear a torn up sweatshirt.
Soon, I might start his computer, or look at some video clips that I haven't had the mental space or energy to look at. We will need to deal with it if we plan on moving and I think it will be hard, but good for me.
Today I walked to school this morning, which was nice. I wore Lev's deodorant and his fleece jacket, so I smelled him. It makes me feel more complete to do that sometimes. Then, my right shoe started squeaking, just like Jaal's shoes were doing a couple months ago. It was like they were both with me on my walk, which felt good.
It will be great to have Jaal home for the summer. That is something to look forward to.
I started learning to play ukelele, which made me feel closer to Lev, but I haven't done it much since spring break. It seems hollow and sad now, but I'd like to get back to it.
I keep thinking that if I learn he'll be proud of me when he gets back.
I am sad and confused. Today I feel deflated, like the wind was knocked out of me and I am struggling to catch my breath.
Tonight, like most nights, I look forward to sleep. Eight hours without thoughts is a welcome relief. Maybe I'll dream of Lev. I hope so.
