I can easily see it taking that long to recognize that this is the life you have been dealt, and to find new ways of dealing with it, to incorporate it into your understanding, to understand that it is real and it is forever, and to find a way to move forward with the rest of your days.
After more than seven months I really feel that I am just beginning to understand. After being gone on Saturday night, I was still hoping Lev would be home when we got home. I can only accept our reality in little bits and pieces in order to survive from day to day.
I am much more observant of the calendar than Tony is. The passage of time bothers me. I used to get anxiety looking at a calendar, and I don't any more, but it still bothers me. Flower bulbs are coming up, people are starting to garden, and that is all to terrible to deal with. Spring will come, and Lev won't be here. Life keeps going on and on without him. Our house looks the same, our lives look the same, yet they are fundamentally different.
I used to take some solace in the belief that over time, understanding would come. I heard about three months, six months, one year, etc. Now, five years. So far, the months have not made much difference, but five years I can relate to. It sounds more reasonable. Often, people I talk to expect us to be dealing differently one week to the next, but it is all just the same. Any reconciliation is happening so slowly that it is imperceptible.
Is escape good? Is staying busy good? Is talking to Lev good?
Who knows. We do what feels right. So far, staying in our current lives, without change, feels terribly wrong. But, everything feels wrong, so here we sit because it is the easiest and most "responsible" thing to do.
In five years, maybe it will make sense. In five years, maybe I will be able to appreciate the time we had with Lev without feeling so cheated and distraught.
Rebecca
